Losing weight, or changing the way you eat, are extremely difficult things to do. I'm trying to do them both together. I carry with me every day fifty pounds that make my life highly uncomfortable. My back is worlds better after two surgeries but pain still persists. Mostly, I think, because of these extra fifty pounds.
Over the past four years I gained five pounds, then ten more, then I lost 9, then I gained that back and then came another ten. And then with just two pounds, I broke 200. I felt horrible, I felt like a loser, I felt unlovable, undesirable and unattractive. I still feel that way despite the fact that my wonderful husband tells me every day that I'm beautiful. It's not that I don't believe him when he says it, but I need to feel like I'm beautiful. When I look in the mirror I am surprisingly okay, but when I look at pictures and see the excess weight around the middle, in my face, everywhere. Well almost everywhere. From about above the knees and down and my forearms into my hands I'm pretty awesome, but he middle, woe the middle, I am obese. Clinically perpetually obese.
Two weeks ago I started once again a battle against my body. I joined weight watchers. When I left my first meeting I felt energized. I immediately went to Stop & Shop and with my points calculator picked up foods that were healthy and whose serving sizes made sense. Pointers given to me in the meeting and literature put me in the mindset that I could do this. I could eat healthy, be satisfied, and lose weight.
The first week I did really well. I kept within the limits of my points and started eating way more fruits and vegetables. I started tracking and measuring what I ate. The eTools made me conscious of what I was putting into my mouth. And because fruits and vegetables are no points when I was hungry I reached for an apple. Even my husband who usually brings me home treats like scones (yummy delicious chocolate chip scones) he instead showed up with peaches.
The first few days I was either eating, thinking about eating, researching about food and points and eating. It gave me structure, something I was sorely lacking. I don't have a job; I'm a student but because of my back, I can't sit through the hours and hours necessary for taking and passing a summer class. So I seriously lack structure. And although I was thinking about food all the time, I wasn't obsessing over what I could or could not eat. I just ate when I was hungry, tracked it, and hydrated like mad.
The fourth of July weekend was tough not because of food, but because my Monday meeting wasn't held. I could feel the the positive energy of that first meeting draining out of me day by day and by the following weekend I was tapped out. I didn't track on Saturday or Sunday, so on Monday I went to my meeting and, metaphorically, filled up my tank. The meeting is at 12:15 and I had a Dr.'s appointment that morning so I ate right after my appointment, but I didn't start sucking down my iced coffee until after I weighed in.
In two weeks I lost 2.8 pounds. I would have loved to lose more, but am thrilled that I not only lost, but I'm back under 200 if only by a little over a pound. My body might not like me too much, I'm going for foot surgery on Wednesday, but tomorrow I'm heading off to the grocery store to stock up and all of the yummy stuff that I can eat as much as I want of, fruits, as well as good for me breakfast, lunch and dinner stuff.
I know I can't do it alone, but I don't feel like I am. I got two stars today and applause from a room full of people because I lost 2.8 pounds. And while I wish it was more, their applause made me realize that 2.8 in two weeks is not too shabby.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
New Year's Resolution
I'm writing this down, in fact I've already written it down...in my journal. Hot pink, with an embossed dove, I grabbed while standing in the long line at Barnes and Noble just before buying seven novels of mostly fluff. I grabbed it as a whim because it was pretty and because I wanted to start something and mark my journey in a concrete, not easily deleted kind of way. Writing something down and telling others my intentions usually ends in my not following through. I'm horrible with the follow through.
But time is running out and if I don't start this journey soon I'll find myself on a completely different road. I've been on pain meds and muscle relaxers for almost four years. Four weeks from now will be four years. I've been in physical therapy for almost as long. I've had two surgeries in two years. One in July of 2007 and the next in October of 2008. A year later I was well enough to start school.
This past fall, I got rear ended twice. The first time was just a tap, I'm not completely sure why she rolled into me, but my guess is that a young driver, probably around 19 or 2o, was texting or checking her phone and she rolled into me. My body didn't move but I felt it, like a feather, like the light touch of a lover climbing up my spine, up the nape of my neck onto my skull. My first thought was "I'm okay, I'm okay, I have to be okay". I got out of the car asked the girl behind me if everything was okay and then drove away when she said that they were. There was no damage to either of our cars, and I though, none to my body. But the pain came two days later, like the pain from a strenuous workout but worse.
The second was worse, but I won't talk about that now. Now is for my New Years Resolution. This year I will get off the meds. I will lose weight. I will feel better. It's going to be hard. It's not going to be fun. But it's now or never, it's do or die. Not literally, but in less than a month I'll be 38 and if I'm going to have a child now is the time.
But time is running out and if I don't start this journey soon I'll find myself on a completely different road. I've been on pain meds and muscle relaxers for almost four years. Four weeks from now will be four years. I've been in physical therapy for almost as long. I've had two surgeries in two years. One in July of 2007 and the next in October of 2008. A year later I was well enough to start school.
This past fall, I got rear ended twice. The first time was just a tap, I'm not completely sure why she rolled into me, but my guess is that a young driver, probably around 19 or 2o, was texting or checking her phone and she rolled into me. My body didn't move but I felt it, like a feather, like the light touch of a lover climbing up my spine, up the nape of my neck onto my skull. My first thought was "I'm okay, I'm okay, I have to be okay". I got out of the car asked the girl behind me if everything was okay and then drove away when she said that they were. There was no damage to either of our cars, and I though, none to my body. But the pain came two days later, like the pain from a strenuous workout but worse.
The second was worse, but I won't talk about that now. Now is for my New Years Resolution. This year I will get off the meds. I will lose weight. I will feel better. It's going to be hard. It's not going to be fun. But it's now or never, it's do or die. Not literally, but in less than a month I'll be 38 and if I'm going to have a child now is the time.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Wednesday January 14
It's 2AM and I'm cursing a TV; a cat scratching at the door; melatonin, check; lavender essential oils aromatherapy and still it's 2AM and I'm AWAKE!!!! Last night I fell asleep at 2AM and awoke to a noise (a clatter if you will) around 4ish, probably took a me about 15 - 20 minutes to fall back asleep. When Michael finally stopped hitting the snooze button I drifted back to sleep. I awoke again around 6AM. My mind is spinning. It's my Dad's 60th Birthday on Saturday. I downloaded four and a half hours of Do Wop and some 70's R&B and my childhood memories are coming to me as never before. I've often remarked to friends that I really don't have any memories of my Dad living with me, and my parents got divorced when I was 10 years old.
I hear the soundtrack to my childhood in every song that I download. Earth Wind & Fire was my first Album I remembering opening it at Christmas 1979 I was 6 years old. I had forgotten how much I loved the song "September". It's crazy how much you forget and then be instantly transported to the past. I love it.
Listening to Neil Diamond "Cracklin' Rosie" brings me memories of The Jazz Singer. I remember that I LOVED that movie. I remember laying at the foot of my parents water bed. I would be huddled at the bottom next to my brother and sister. Like little sardines we tucked ourselves into the bottom of the waterbed between the water mattress and the frame. Mic was 8 years old and Leslie was 10. I think of us as that age and compare us with our Niece and Nephew. They're 8 and 11, both older than me and one older than my sister was. We were so YOUNG! And now I'm turning 36 in two week; back in 1979 my Dad was 30 years old and my Mom 29. And they were so YOUNG!
I remember Yankees Games. I remember the players names starting around 1983 - 84 but I don't ever remember them winning. It wasn't until they started winning again in 1996, 1998, 1999 and again in 2000 that I heard that they were the most winningst team in baseball. I could hardly believe it. I even remember one specific ride home after a game, sitting in horrible bumper to bumper traffic. We were at a junction with so many different highway's converging it looked like an octatpus crawling just a few feet at a time. It's night time and it's the perfect summer evening not too hot, but not too cool either. Comfortable in shorts and a t-shirt with the windows down, no A/C, and no wind, but not hot at all. I remember I had this shell necklace I had been wearing around my neck probably from some previous trip to the beach or perhaps Disney I had taken it off and was spinning it in my hands. I remember my Dad telling me to be careful cause if I lost it out the window and we had to move then it would be gone, for good. I don't actually remember if I tossed it out and he got it for me once or twice, or at all. But I do remember letting it fly at least once. And then we moved, and it was gone forever. But I didn't tell. And I don't know if my Dad saw me drop it or not, but I didn't say a word. Poof, it was gone.
My Dad took me to my first Concert. Billy Joel. I think it was 1986 because I remembering him talking about the Mets playing the Red Sox in the World Series in between sets. I remember being happy about that because the Red Sox were losing and that was good because I was Yankee fan and if you weren't a Yankee fan then you were getting put up for adoption. And the Yankees and the Red Sox were mortal enemies and as I previously stated the Yankees NEVER won when I was a kid.
Now I'm married and I'm starting to get healthy and I'm starting to think about having some kids of my own, or at least one. I'll make sure that mine will be a household of music so that my children at some birthday of mine decades from now, they'll make a playlist and be transported themselves back to childhood memories that they may have forgotten.
And now it's 4AM and I'm hopefull that getting this all out of my head and onto the blog will allow me to fall peacefully asleep because I'm still planning to get up at 10 AM and go walking for a 1/2 hour so that when I have my massage at Noon I won't just be getting up, but I'll be wide awake, because if I fall asleep during my massage then my legs get all twitchy and I snap awake back like I did in Middle School History class, or Science class when they turned the lights out and put a video in for 40 minutes. I still fall asleep whenever Michael watched "The Universe" or "Cities Underworld" I just fall right to sleep. But when I'm getting a massage I don't want to fall asleep I want to like all of it not sleep through any of it. Hence the twich. And if I sleep any later then I won't be able to fall asleep 4AM!!!! Must break the cycle.
I hear the soundtrack to my childhood in every song that I download. Earth Wind & Fire was my first Album I remembering opening it at Christmas 1979 I was 6 years old. I had forgotten how much I loved the song "September". It's crazy how much you forget and then be instantly transported to the past. I love it.
Listening to Neil Diamond "Cracklin' Rosie" brings me memories of The Jazz Singer. I remember that I LOVED that movie. I remember laying at the foot of my parents water bed. I would be huddled at the bottom next to my brother and sister. Like little sardines we tucked ourselves into the bottom of the waterbed between the water mattress and the frame. Mic was 8 years old and Leslie was 10. I think of us as that age and compare us with our Niece and Nephew. They're 8 and 11, both older than me and one older than my sister was. We were so YOUNG! And now I'm turning 36 in two week; back in 1979 my Dad was 30 years old and my Mom 29. And they were so YOUNG!
I remember Yankees Games. I remember the players names starting around 1983 - 84 but I don't ever remember them winning. It wasn't until they started winning again in 1996, 1998, 1999 and again in 2000 that I heard that they were the most winningst team in baseball. I could hardly believe it. I even remember one specific ride home after a game, sitting in horrible bumper to bumper traffic. We were at a junction with so many different highway's converging it looked like an octatpus crawling just a few feet at a time. It's night time and it's the perfect summer evening not too hot, but not too cool either. Comfortable in shorts and a t-shirt with the windows down, no A/C, and no wind, but not hot at all. I remember I had this shell necklace I had been wearing around my neck probably from some previous trip to the beach or perhaps Disney I had taken it off and was spinning it in my hands. I remember my Dad telling me to be careful cause if I lost it out the window and we had to move then it would be gone, for good. I don't actually remember if I tossed it out and he got it for me once or twice, or at all. But I do remember letting it fly at least once. And then we moved, and it was gone forever. But I didn't tell. And I don't know if my Dad saw me drop it or not, but I didn't say a word. Poof, it was gone.
My Dad took me to my first Concert. Billy Joel. I think it was 1986 because I remembering him talking about the Mets playing the Red Sox in the World Series in between sets. I remember being happy about that because the Red Sox were losing and that was good because I was Yankee fan and if you weren't a Yankee fan then you were getting put up for adoption. And the Yankees and the Red Sox were mortal enemies and as I previously stated the Yankees NEVER won when I was a kid.
Now I'm married and I'm starting to get healthy and I'm starting to think about having some kids of my own, or at least one. I'll make sure that mine will be a household of music so that my children at some birthday of mine decades from now, they'll make a playlist and be transported themselves back to childhood memories that they may have forgotten.
And now it's 4AM and I'm hopefull that getting this all out of my head and onto the blog will allow me to fall peacefully asleep because I'm still planning to get up at 10 AM and go walking for a 1/2 hour so that when I have my massage at Noon I won't just be getting up, but I'll be wide awake, because if I fall asleep during my massage then my legs get all twitchy and I snap awake back like I did in Middle School History class, or Science class when they turned the lights out and put a video in for 40 minutes. I still fall asleep whenever Michael watched "The Universe" or "Cities Underworld" I just fall right to sleep. But when I'm getting a massage I don't want to fall asleep I want to like all of it not sleep through any of it. Hence the twich. And if I sleep any later then I won't be able to fall asleep 4AM!!!! Must break the cycle.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Poached Eggs
I've decided to make this less a day by day diary. The pressure I felt to always be positive and moving forward was too great and the second after I sent out an email saying "hey check out my blog" I disappeared. Suffice to say that I have suffered another setback, or rather my current pain management stopped working and back to the drawing board. Enough about that let me tell you what I cooked this past week.
I'm not exactly a chef, more of a take out menu kind of a gal, but moving to the suburbs has taken me out of the land of Thai Food, Indian Food, Polish Food Take Out Heaven. Not to mention that I've married into an Italian Family which means that I'm slightly sick of Italian Food. I should also mention that my Father in Law is Catholic and observes no meat on Friday. Earlier in the week he made a fish fry and we all commented on how much we all love fish. I latched onto that because if we could eat fish twice a week, then I'd be eating a HELL of a lot healthier. So I said I'd cook on Friday.
I don't usually cook because standing on granite makes my back tight in 10 minutes and that blows, rendering me useless to do much more than lay around after that. So Friday Michael and I went to the fish store where I decided salmon (my fave, not to mention healthy with good Omega 3 Fatty Acids) was it. Since I don't know how to cook and the men in my life won't eat raw fish I asked the nice women behind the counter how long? and on what temp? I figured I'd bake it. I marinated it in reduced sodium (Dad has high blood pressure) teriyaki sauce and sprinkled on sesame seeds (I love em) and used my awesome red stoneware baking thing - it's so pretty. I complemented it with broccoli and faux garlic mashed potatoes (cauliflower smooshed up with a teensy bit of butter, stinky peccarino romano cheese and garlic salt (or powder) it was delicious.
This morning I woke up around 2, not exactly early but my leg was throbbing all night and I didn't get to bed until around 5:30 or so. I woke up sick of cereal and craving poached eggs over toast. Turns out poached eggs may sound hard to make, but man was it easy. Boil water (which I know how to do) but with salt in it to make it boil at a higher temperature (I'm not sure why I know that, but oddly enough I do). I cracked the egg into a little cup (just like google told me to) and then poured it into the simmering water (to which I had added a splash of vinegar - so the eggs don't just look like snot but instead stick together). I followed the instructions and let them float in the water for about 4 minutes. After the toast was buttered I flopped on the eggs and were delighted that yold oozed out. Unfortunately the yolk was still mostly cooked. I try 2 or 3 minutes tomorrow :-)
I'm not exactly a chef, more of a take out menu kind of a gal, but moving to the suburbs has taken me out of the land of Thai Food, Indian Food, Polish Food Take Out Heaven. Not to mention that I've married into an Italian Family which means that I'm slightly sick of Italian Food. I should also mention that my Father in Law is Catholic and observes no meat on Friday. Earlier in the week he made a fish fry and we all commented on how much we all love fish. I latched onto that because if we could eat fish twice a week, then I'd be eating a HELL of a lot healthier. So I said I'd cook on Friday.
I don't usually cook because standing on granite makes my back tight in 10 minutes and that blows, rendering me useless to do much more than lay around after that. So Friday Michael and I went to the fish store where I decided salmon (my fave, not to mention healthy with good Omega 3 Fatty Acids) was it. Since I don't know how to cook and the men in my life won't eat raw fish I asked the nice women behind the counter how long? and on what temp? I figured I'd bake it. I marinated it in reduced sodium (Dad has high blood pressure) teriyaki sauce and sprinkled on sesame seeds (I love em) and used my awesome red stoneware baking thing - it's so pretty. I complemented it with broccoli and faux garlic mashed potatoes (cauliflower smooshed up with a teensy bit of butter, stinky peccarino romano cheese and garlic salt (or powder) it was delicious.
This morning I woke up around 2, not exactly early but my leg was throbbing all night and I didn't get to bed until around 5:30 or so. I woke up sick of cereal and craving poached eggs over toast. Turns out poached eggs may sound hard to make, but man was it easy. Boil water (which I know how to do) but with salt in it to make it boil at a higher temperature (I'm not sure why I know that, but oddly enough I do). I cracked the egg into a little cup (just like google told me to) and then poured it into the simmering water (to which I had added a splash of vinegar - so the eggs don't just look like snot but instead stick together). I followed the instructions and let them float in the water for about 4 minutes. After the toast was buttered I flopped on the eggs and were delighted that yold oozed out. Unfortunately the yolk was still mostly cooked. I try 2 or 3 minutes tomorrow :-)
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Mad World
I'm listening to Gary Jules song Mad World and it suits my mood to a T. It's 3:15 AM and I'm blogging because crying in bed, for the second time this week, while trying to fall asleep seems a slippery slope. I haven't blogged in so long because I wanted this blog to be my way back up from someplace, well, down. And right now I feel down, down, down. As Michael says, my quality of life blows, well that's my word his is sucks, my quality of life sucks. After back surgery, and recovery, and re-herniation, and all of the epidurals, and the acupuncture and the ups and downs of rehab I still can't sit for any real length of time without the next day sucking. I haven't been able to since January 28, 2007. I've been on pain medication more or less the entire time. Doesn't that just make you want to cry. I know it makes me cry. The pain is back. It's different, following a different path maybe not physically as bad but mentally it's torture. To add complete insult to injury I can actually feel the neuroma in my left foot when I stand or walk or sit with my feet on the ground. It also makes my ring toe crack when I straighten it, my toe, is actually tight. It's just completely ridiculous. I feel that if I don't occupy my mind with books or TV or my husband or friends problems I will completely lose it. I am useless. I can do nothing, except sleep. In my sleep I dream and in my dreams I am not limited in any way. I can walk, I can run, I can do anything. I find myself not setting my alarm clock, sleeping as long as I can as long as I'm dreaming. I don't know what to do. I don't know if there's anything I can do.
I'm glad I got that out. It's time for bed. Good night.
I'm glad I got that out. It's time for bed. Good night.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Day 31 - Olympic Fever
I love the Olympics and with Tivo I won't miss a thing. I love watching gymnastics, swimming, diving, equestrian, I love it all. In the past I marveled as swimmers broke records and a gymnast stuck it off the pommel with a sprained ankle. To me it looked effortless. Now I know better. Watching Michael Phelps win his first gold of these Olympics was amazing, he swims like a seal, all muscle; reading about Dara Torres, a forty one year old woman in her fifth Olympics was almost unbelievable. Her rock hard body is a force to be reckoned with and, for me personally, she is a hero.
I do my Pilates, and hope that my disc shrinks; I'm getting stronger every day. Watching the Olympics puts an extra giddy-up in my step as I go to the pool. During my Pilates class I can feel my muscles working and growing stronger every session. I know I'll never be a world class athlete, but that doesn't stop me from feeling a little Olympic Fever.
I do my Pilates, and hope that my disc shrinks; I'm getting stronger every day. Watching the Olympics puts an extra giddy-up in my step as I go to the pool. During my Pilates class I can feel my muscles working and growing stronger every session. I know I'll never be a world class athlete, but that doesn't stop me from feeling a little Olympic Fever.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Day 28 - Recap
I haven't logged in for quite a few days so here's a recap. Last weekend was very nice. My brother in law threw a BBQ, on Saturday, and it was so nice to sit outside. We started late enough so that all of the crazy thunder and lightening blew through and the sun came out. It was nice to see all of the family and the steak and hot dogs were awesome.
Sunday, I went and picked up Laura and we were off to the pool. All of the chairs were packed so we threw our towels out on a grassy hill and basked in the sun until we were hot enough to to jump in the pool. Instead, I walked my way down the steps into the 3ft area and walked until it was up to my waist. I had to dive under soon it was so cold. Jumping in is always best; first the cold slap of the water then you adjust rather quickly as your head breaks the surface of the water. Ah the pool.
I can't remember Monday, but Tuesday was great. I had pilates in the morning and was psyched that I was strong enough to have the tension on the springs tightened. For those of you who may wonder I work out on an Allegro Tower. At the end Veronica added on some mat work that made me want to collapse and throw up at once . . . but in a good way. In order to stave off sore muscles I went directly to the pool and just lounged on my back and soaked for twenty minutes.
After the pool I come home to clean myself up and head out to Prospect Park to watch, and videotape, my sister's softball game. The park was wonderful. I sat under a tree of the first base line and started devouring my new book, Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer. It's the fourth, and last book, of a series of young adult, vampire, romance novel. I read the first three in three days then had to wait five days until the final novel came out. My fifteen year old niece is also reading it. We squealed about it during the BBQ.
Today I had acupuncture in the morning and a haircut in the afternoon. Michael calls it short, but it's medium length and kind of like Jennifer Aniston's "Rachael" haircut on Friends and I like it. Michael hates it. I don't know what it is - guy's dislike for short hair on girls.
Anyhoo, as you can tell I've been a lot more active these past couple of days. A month ago I was walking a half hour and feeling beat up. Now I find myself fidgeting, itching to get up and move - to do something! I love it. I can't wait for that crappy disc to shrink away cause boy oh boy am I paying for sitting too much. I can tell I might start to go a little crazy if my body can't move as much as I want it to. But I'll take that crazy over pain and fear crazy any day.
Sunday, I went and picked up Laura and we were off to the pool. All of the chairs were packed so we threw our towels out on a grassy hill and basked in the sun until we were hot enough to to jump in the pool. Instead, I walked my way down the steps into the 3ft area and walked until it was up to my waist. I had to dive under soon it was so cold. Jumping in is always best; first the cold slap of the water then you adjust rather quickly as your head breaks the surface of the water. Ah the pool.
I can't remember Monday, but Tuesday was great. I had pilates in the morning and was psyched that I was strong enough to have the tension on the springs tightened. For those of you who may wonder I work out on an Allegro Tower. At the end Veronica added on some mat work that made me want to collapse and throw up at once . . . but in a good way. In order to stave off sore muscles I went directly to the pool and just lounged on my back and soaked for twenty minutes.
After the pool I come home to clean myself up and head out to Prospect Park to watch, and videotape, my sister's softball game. The park was wonderful. I sat under a tree of the first base line and started devouring my new book, Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer. It's the fourth, and last book, of a series of young adult, vampire, romance novel. I read the first three in three days then had to wait five days until the final novel came out. My fifteen year old niece is also reading it. We squealed about it during the BBQ.
Today I had acupuncture in the morning and a haircut in the afternoon. Michael calls it short, but it's medium length and kind of like Jennifer Aniston's "Rachael" haircut on Friends and I like it. Michael hates it. I don't know what it is - guy's dislike for short hair on girls.
Anyhoo, as you can tell I've been a lot more active these past couple of days. A month ago I was walking a half hour and feeling beat up. Now I find myself fidgeting, itching to get up and move - to do something! I love it. I can't wait for that crappy disc to shrink away cause boy oh boy am I paying for sitting too much. I can tell I might start to go a little crazy if my body can't move as much as I want it to. But I'll take that crazy over pain and fear crazy any day.
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