Weight Watchers 2.8

Losing weight, or changing the way you eat, are extremely difficult things to do. I'm trying to do them both together. I carry with me every day fifty pounds that make my life highly uncomfortable. My back is worlds better after two surgeries but pain still persists. Mostly, I think, because of these extra fifty pounds.

Over the past four years I gained five pounds, then ten more, then I lost 9, then I gained that back and then came another ten. And then with just two pounds, I broke 200. I felt horrible, I felt like a loser, I felt unlovable, undesirable and unattractive. I still feel that way despite the fact that my wonderful husband tells me every day that I'm beautiful. It's not that I don't believe him when he says it, but I need to feel like I'm beautiful. When I look in the mirror I am surprisingly okay, but when I look at pictures and see the excess weight around the middle, in my face, everywhere. Well almost everywhere. From about above the knees and down and my forearms into my hands I'm pretty awesome, but he middle, woe the middle, I am obese. Clinically perpetually obese.

Two weeks ago I started once again a battle against my body. I joined weight watchers. When I left my first meeting I felt energized. I immediately went to Stop & Shop and with my points calculator picked up foods that were healthy and whose serving sizes made sense. Pointers given to me in the meeting and literature put me in the mindset that I could do this. I could eat healthy, be satisfied, and lose weight.

The first week I did really well. I kept within the limits of my points and started eating way more fruits and vegetables. I started tracking and measuring what I ate. The eTools made me conscious of what I was putting into my mouth. And because fruits and vegetables are no points when I was hungry I reached for an apple. Even my husband who usually brings me home treats like scones (yummy delicious chocolate chip scones) he instead showed up with peaches.

The first few days I was either eating, thinking about eating, researching about food and points and eating. It gave me structure, something I was sorely lacking. I don't have a job; I'm a student but because of my back, I can't sit through the hours and hours necessary for taking and passing a summer class. So I seriously lack structure. And although I was thinking about food all the time, I wasn't obsessing over what I could or could not eat. I just ate when I was hungry, tracked it, and hydrated like mad.

The fourth of July weekend was tough not because of food, but because my Monday meeting wasn't held. I could feel the the positive energy of that first meeting draining out of me day by day and by the following weekend I was tapped out. I didn't track on Saturday or Sunday, so on Monday I went to my meeting and, metaphorically, filled up my tank. The meeting is at 12:15 and I had a Dr.'s appointment that morning so I ate right after my appointment, but I didn't start sucking down my iced coffee until after I weighed in.

In two weeks I lost 2.8 pounds. I would have loved to lose more, but am thrilled that I not only lost, but I'm back under 200 if only by a little over a pound. My body might not like me too much, I'm going for foot surgery on Wednesday, but tomorrow I'm heading off to the grocery store to stock up and all of the yummy stuff that I can eat as much as I want of, fruits, as well as good for me breakfast, lunch and dinner stuff.

I know I can't do it alone, but I don't feel like I am. I got two stars today and applause from a room full of people because I lost 2.8 pounds. And while I wish it was more, their applause made me realize that 2.8 in two weeks is not too shabby.

New Year's Resolution

I'm writing this down, in fact I've already written it down...in my journal. Hot pink, with an embossed dove, I grabbed while standing in the long line at Barnes and Noble just before buying seven novels of mostly fluff. I grabbed it as a whim because it was pretty and because I wanted to start something and mark my journey in a concrete, not easily deleted kind of way. Writing something down and telling others my intentions usually ends in my not following through. I'm horrible with the follow through.

But time is running out and if I don't start this journey soon I'll find myself on a completely different road. I've been on pain meds and muscle relaxers for almost four years. Four weeks from now will be four years. I've been in physical therapy for almost as long. I've had two surgeries in two years. One in July of 2007 and the next in October of 2008. A year later I was well enough to start school.

This past fall, I got rear ended twice. The first time was just a tap, I'm not completely sure why she rolled into me, but my guess is that a young driver, probably around 19 or 2o, was texting or checking her phone and she rolled into me. My body didn't move but I felt it, like a feather, like the light touch of a lover climbing up my spine, up the nape of my neck onto my skull. My first thought was "I'm okay, I'm okay, I have to be okay". I got out of the car asked the girl behind me if everything was okay and then drove away when she said that they were. There was no damage to either of our cars, and I though, none to my body. But the pain came two days later, like the pain from a strenuous workout but worse.

The second was worse, but I won't talk about that now. Now is for my New Years Resolution. This year I will get off the meds. I will lose weight. I will feel better. It's going to be hard. It's not going to be fun. But it's now or never, it's do or die. Not literally, but in less than a month I'll be 38 and if I'm going to have a child now is the time.