Mad World

I'm listening to Gary Jules song Mad World and it suits my mood to a T. It's 3:15 AM and I'm blogging because crying in bed, for the second time this week, while trying to fall asleep seems a slippery slope. I haven't blogged in so long because I wanted this blog to be my way back up from someplace, well, down. And right now I feel down, down, down. As Michael says, my quality of life blows, well that's my word his is sucks, my quality of life sucks. After back surgery, and recovery, and re-herniation, and all of the epidurals, and the acupuncture and the ups and downs of rehab I still can't sit for any real length of time without the next day sucking. I haven't been able to since January 28, 2007. I've been on pain medication more or less the entire time. Doesn't that just make you want to cry. I know it makes me cry. The pain is back. It's different, following a different path maybe not physically as bad but mentally it's torture. To add complete insult to injury I can actually feel the neuroma in my left foot when I stand or walk or sit with my feet on the ground. It also makes my ring toe crack when I straighten it, my toe, is actually tight. It's just completely ridiculous. I feel that if I don't occupy my mind with books or TV or my husband or friends problems I will completely lose it. I am useless. I can do nothing, except sleep. In my sleep I dream and in my dreams I am not limited in any way. I can walk, I can run, I can do anything. I find myself not setting my alarm clock, sleeping as long as I can as long as I'm dreaming. I don't know what to do. I don't know if there's anything I can do.
I'm glad I got that out. It's time for bed. Good night.