New Year's Resolution

I'm writing this down, in fact I've already written it down...in my journal. Hot pink, with an embossed dove, I grabbed while standing in the long line at Barnes and Noble just before buying seven novels of mostly fluff. I grabbed it as a whim because it was pretty and because I wanted to start something and mark my journey in a concrete, not easily deleted kind of way. Writing something down and telling others my intentions usually ends in my not following through. I'm horrible with the follow through.

But time is running out and if I don't start this journey soon I'll find myself on a completely different road. I've been on pain meds and muscle relaxers for almost four years. Four weeks from now will be four years. I've been in physical therapy for almost as long. I've had two surgeries in two years. One in July of 2007 and the next in October of 2008. A year later I was well enough to start school.

This past fall, I got rear ended twice. The first time was just a tap, I'm not completely sure why she rolled into me, but my guess is that a young driver, probably around 19 or 2o, was texting or checking her phone and she rolled into me. My body didn't move but I felt it, like a feather, like the light touch of a lover climbing up my spine, up the nape of my neck onto my skull. My first thought was "I'm okay, I'm okay, I have to be okay". I got out of the car asked the girl behind me if everything was okay and then drove away when she said that they were. There was no damage to either of our cars, and I though, none to my body. But the pain came two days later, like the pain from a strenuous workout but worse.

The second was worse, but I won't talk about that now. Now is for my New Years Resolution. This year I will get off the meds. I will lose weight. I will feel better. It's going to be hard. It's not going to be fun. But it's now or never, it's do or die. Not literally, but in less than a month I'll be 38 and if I'm going to have a child now is the time.