Day 20 - How's it Going?

Today I decided to let you all know how I'm doing. I had acupuncture this morning and talked to my Doc about the pain I had Saturday morning. He checked me out and concurred that the pain was due to using a muscle that I haven't used in awhile and not my back. It's hard for me to not get a little scared when pain happens, but with a new work out there's bound to be aches and pains. It's up to me to monitor the pain and decide on a day to day basis whether any pain I feel is one to fear or one to welcome. Because as the saying goes, no pain, no gain.

As for my weight, I weighed in this morning and remain at 190lbs. However, if you're a woman you know that if it's that time of the month, then perhaps you're carrying more than usual. I'm not counting on that and frankly I'm just happy that I haven't gained anything. Other changes are also occurring.

I am ecstatic to report that I have finally figured out how to breathe while keeping my core tight. It only took me a year and a half. I blame it on singing. When you're a singer you learn to to expand your diaphram and fill up with air without moving your chest or shoulders. When you're doing pilates the idea is to keep your core tight and breathe up into your chest and not let your abdomen extend. I finally feel my core working and it's awesome. I've also started doing these leg exercises where the straps of the Allegro machine are around your feet and you do circles it makes the insides of my legs quiver uncontrollably, makes me feel like a sissy but I'm looking forward to my fantastic legs getting more fantastic soon.

I'm also pretty stoked that my six pack is indeed on the way and it's protective covering is growing smaller all the time. When you lay on your back for a year and a half and you don't really know how to engage your core then you lose everything. Your belly sticks out, so not in a good way. It's a real bummer for me and now that it's flatter than it's been in a L O N G while I'm starting to feel confident and sexy again. There's no worse blow to your sex drive than not feeling sexy. I'm not saying that you have to be thin or have a flat stomach to be sexy, cause lord knows I'm not thin nor is my stomach flat (yet). I'm just saying that I feel Hot, with a capital H.

Day 19 - Fight the Fear

Last Friday I had a great Pilates class. I was able to do all of the exercise with little pain, except the good kind that lets you know that the muscles are working. It made for a wonderfully bright day and night.

The next day I woke up with a horrible pain in my, well in my butt. I couldn't tell if it originated in my back or not but the pain was sufficient to scare the hell out of myself. Since it was 6am, I just took a vicodin and a flexeril and went back to bed. When I woke up six hours later the pain was just as bad. Of course it was a Saturday so I couldn't call my Doc, and didn't want to bother anyone else with what might be nothing. On the plus side I could still walk up and down the stairs without a cane – something that I’ve been doing for about three weeks now – and without the pain radiating in any direction.

Fear kept me horizontal all day, wondering if yet again I had allowed myself to believe, to early, that my long journey with pain was over.

Sunday came and with it a new pain, this one in my lower back and very expected since I got my period. Nothing eight hundred milligrams of ibuprofen couldn’t handle. My butt pain was still there but less than the day before. I also noticed that it didn’t get better when I took my back pain meds so they were a little annoying.

I woke up this Monday morning and was thrilled to find that the butt pain was no more. My back pain from my period was also gone, thank god. So I will continue to fight the good fight against fear – of pain or anything else – and I’m confident that the pain I felt was from Pilates, not because of my back, but because I was working muscles that haven’t been worked in awhile. I’ll still check with Jack, the Owner of the Studio and a licensed Physical Therapist, to make sure that I don’t overdo anything.

Day 15 - Apologie for the delay

This past week I have started and discarded a number of blogs. Each one didn't really seem to be speaking to me, or rather my thoughts - jumbled as they were - did not translate onto the page. But I've also decided that, for better or worse, I wouldn't censor what I was writing or thinking, that maybe then the truth will out.

I have such love surrounding me every day through calls from friends, well wishes that I read as comments to my blog (I love em, keep em coming), and support from my husband and the rest of my family - related by blood or otherwise. That love I hope, will carry me through. But I've always had a feeling in me that if at first I don't succeed disappointment will soon follow. Disappointment of others as well as in myself. I've always had a sense of if I don't try I won't get disappointed. If I don't keep my hopes up, they won't get dashed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I have two settings Motivated and Moving, and Queen Slacker. My sister, who is my biggest hero, is trying to teach me to be more gentle with myself and to find the balance between the two, not to fret when I eat one too many cookies or perhaps a pint of frozen yogurt or the dreaded Haagen Dazs (not that the ice cream doesn't rock, but perhaps that the whole pint shouldn't go down in one sitting).

Still it is an uphill battle for me not to see my willpower battery as fully charged or dead. This week, the battery is low. Not from any real lack of will, but more from my vice of books. It's hard to imagine a vice of books as being bad, but to me it's always been an escape, and a wonderful one that that. I bought six books after acupuncture on Monday and I'm on my last one.

I'm also feeling a bit sluggish since I didn't have my Pilates buzz this week. I got a call from my instructor Veronica that she had a family emergency and had to cancel Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm hoping tomorrows class will charge me up for the rest of the weekend.

I know this post has been a little random, but thanks for reading my jumbled thoughts on such a beautiful day.

Day 9 - Yippee Skippy

While my love of cookies has maybe made this week one where I won't lose any weight, it's still ending on a very positive note.

Today I hurdled another first. The first full week where I worked out (Pilates) three days in the week and on the other two walking. I moved every day and am planning a day at the pool for tomorrow and perhaps a ride around the hood on my bike. It's supposed to be scattered thunderstorms, but I think riding in the rain sounds like a pretty good remedy to a hot sweaty day. It all depends on how my back feels.

I’ve been ignoring the tightness in my back and the soreness. I’ve also been trying to ignore the creeping feeling that's just a shade or two lighter than fear. There have been too many times in the last year where I have felt good enough that I started thinking that I saw the tunnel. You know, the one where at the end of it is the light; the light at the end of the tunnel. And every time the pain re-emerged I slipped quietly into depression further down each and every time.

I also saw Dr. Geiger today. He's my non-surgical doc from the Hospital of Special Surgery. He’s a Physiatrist, and specializes in spine and sports medicine injuries and pain management. I told him about my Pilates classes and how my back felt a little sore and tight. He said that was perfectly natural response to using muscles that I haven’t used in awhile and that I could continue with my work out plans.

So I am finally allowing myself to believe that I'm in the tunnel and if I'm not mistaken, I can see light up ahead.

Day 6 - Out of Control

Yesterday I spoke about control and how for the first time, in a long time, I felt in control. Yesterday I was in control, today not so much. On the plus side I had a Pilates session followed up with an hour and a half massage. Outstanding start to my day. I left the Wellness Center, where I get my massage, with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. I took a shower and thought about going to the pool but got distracted by the TV. It was all down hill from there.

As wonderful it is that I've started working out, the other half of my problem is my diet. I eat fairly well. In the past two weeks I've started eating much healthier than usual. Grabbing for an apple instead of getting ice cream, spacing my meals well and feeling satisfied all day.

But then there are the days when ice cream sings it's siren song and I ended up telling Michael that I have enough points and Carvel is allowed. Or when I go all day eating well only to finish it off with some cookies (far more than a serving), it's tough for me and my self control blows.

Any suggestions?

Day 5 - Control

Throughout our lives we will have moments, perhaps many more than we wish, where we feel out of control. Whether it's due to health reasons, money reasons, or a hazardous attempt to lose it. For the past year and a half, I have felt out of control. My back injury took all control away from me. And the worst part is that I didn't even have an accident and I didn't foolishly injure myself. For whatever reason on January 29, 2007, it just started hurting to sit. Five days later I was in the hospital.

Now that I'm feeling better, but not completely healed, I've started Pilates. And for the first time, in a LONG time I feel in control. Learning to use my body to work on itself. Learning to tighten my abs, but keep every other part of my body loose, all the while in total control. I have never felt more empowered in m my life.

When I was in grade school I was very active, a tomboy down to my tippy toes. Now that I'm older, and a hell of a lot more girly, I miss the the feeling of running free. Of running until your lungs feel like they are going to explode, just for the sake of running. Of feeling like you can run forever and still not be tired. I think adults, myself included, must miss that an awful lot.

Today I took my second Pilates class. I felt strong, in control, and best of all, happy. And I feel like I could run all day, just for the hell of it.

Day 3

Severe Weather Warning. That's what I read before going to sleep last night. After having a wonderful dinner with good friends and perhaps a margarita too much sleep was very illusive. I woke at 4am exhausted but wide awake. On the plus side I felt good back wise. I took a melatonin tablet around 4:20 and went blissfully off to la la land. The down side was that it put me to sleep for 8 hours. I've been trying really hard to get up in the morning and establish some kind of routine. When my husband kissed me goodbye this morning, on his way to do some work at his sister's house, I was so comfortable wrapped up in my comforter with the AC on sub-zero that getting up at 9am just wasn't in the cards.

When I finally got out of bed at 1pm, I still didn't know whether it was raining out or not. The plan was going to the pool. Even though it wasn't raining I ended up staying in and watching some movies. God told me to. Sunday's are for rest. :-)

Day 2

First and foremost I want to send a shout-out to my best friend Jon for talking me through a carvel craving last night. Thank you Jon :-)

Today I was planning on heading over to my friend Laura's house to walk the dogs, but my insomnia kept me up late so I slept in. For most people over the age of 30 that tends to be around 10AM. For me it can range from 11 - 1pm. Not having a job due to being mostly disabled from my back issues I tend to stay up late. Mostly from having no true purpose to get up in the morning and having Tivo. I love my Tivo. I first got Tivo so I could watch Gray's Anatomy and Ugly Betty since I used to sing in the Oratorio Society of New York and they rehearse on Thursday nights. My amazing husband agreed to shell out the bucks so that I never had to miss an episode. When I spoke to my brother about Tivo before getting it he raved about it, said it was like crack. Then he said it was better than crack. Before you all worry about the status of my brothers drug use, I can say with absolute authority that he does not use drugs. Still, I can say he was right, better than crack. Just kidding.

Anyhow, I digress. I was up late watching Happy Feet and then it took awhile to fall asleep. I also find it very difficult to throw back the comforter and turn off the air conditioning when my bed is so comfy. So I read after I woke up for awhile and then finally roused myself when my stomach gurgled it's demand for food. Still eating well after two whole days of staying on weight watchers. I have to say I'm a fan of Fiber One Caramel Clusters in Soy Milk. I know people don't like to talk bowel movements, but I gotta say pain killers can cause problems in that area and fiber is the best way to keep things moving. No movement = no weight loss, after all fat doesn't evaporate however fervently I wish it did.

After breakfast I sat in traffic on my way to Massapequa to pick up my wedding thank you notes from the photographer. Millimeter Photography and Video to be exact and I have to say they are amazing. People at the wedding felt like there were paparazzi, but in a good way. If that's possible. After sitting in the car for an hour and a half (Jones Beach traffic) I got home to see my husband and his nephew working on the house. Thank god, not up on the roof like he planned. Since it was cool, and I hadn't done any exercise, and I definitely plan to drink margaritas and eat Mexican food tonight I had to do something. Out came my fabulously amazing bike. Normally if you have back problems the bike is not good, but mine is a touring bike. I'll have to take a picture and post it because words cannot do it justice. Better than my bike when I was 10. I rode for a half an hour with my iPod and knew that I was in the aerobic zone because I couldn't sing along. I hear that's the key, if you can talk easily your not working hard enough.

Tomorrow I plan to go to the pool. :-)

Day 1

Today I started my epic journey to healthiness. I weighed in at 190 first thing in the morning. I had planned to get up, take a shower, eat some cereal and head off to my very first Pilate's class. Instead I hit the snooze button until my bladder forced me out of bed and into the bathroom. With 45 minutes until I was set to be at the Studio I didn't have time for much. I scraped my hair back into a ponytail (thank god I have long hair) weighed myself (yay 190) and headed downstairs. With directions in my hand I grabbed a banana and was out the door. With my eyelids still feeling propped up by toothpicks I stopped for a red bull, slammed it, and made my way to the Studio. I wasn't quite sure what to expect, but knowing that the guy who owned the place was also a Physical Therapist kept the fear at bay.

Fear, as everyone knows, can keep you immobilized. I've been immobilized for over a year. In fact I've probably done myself more harm than good because of my fear. When my disc first herniated I felt so much pain that any movement caused me to scream. Getting me onto the gurney when the ambulance came caused me to break out in a cold sweat. In the hospital, when they first brought me in they wouldn't give me any muscle relaxers until I peed. They gave me a bed pan and although I had to go I couldn't. I blamed it on a shy bladder. I had my fiance and an orderly bring me to the bathroom but when the orderly backed out and I turned to the toilet I couldn't bear any weight. I hit to the ground, screamed in pain, and was instantly covered with sweat and nearly passed out. I remember the orderly telling the Doc that my eyes were rolling. It was more horrendous than I can convey. So that's my fear. Pain.

When I pulled up to the address I was pleasantly surprised that as well as a Pilates Studio it was also a Physical Therapists office. If you've hurt your back and are also climbing out of pain, Pilates is the exercise to do. You should make sure that there's at least one certified physical therapists on the premises to ensure you don't overdo it. Jack, the therapist at the Studio, took a good history of my back problems and asked me a few questions. Jittery from red bull I answered his questions in an almost stutter and then was passed over to his right hand gal for my first class. It was very low impact so I was surprised at how much I sweating, but pleasantly surprised. She worked me through a handful of leg exercises until my legs were quivering and then switched to arm exercises which made me feel like a weakling. Best of all, no pain. I walked out of the Studio with trembling arms and legs, made my way to my Jeep and drove home. Happy.

Exercise is one part, but I'm also on weight watchers, the on-line version not the meeting one. I try and track what I eat every day and stay within my "points" and I manage more often than not. But some times you gotta give into the craving. Today I think I'll stay well within my points, but I'm not so sure. Carvel is only 3 minutes away. I'll let you know tomorrow if I made it through the night without caving.

How I got here

When I was a kid, my mother called me her Biafra child. I was short and reed thin. My mother always said she was afraid a strong wind would lift me up and carry me away. That all changed after puberty. At 11 years old I shot up 5 inches to my current height of 5 feet 7 inches and filled out in all the ways that girls do, just much earlier. I was the tallest in my class, taller even than the boys, and the only girl with boobs. I continued to grow not up but out. I thought that I was fat since I wasn't stick thin like all the other girls my age. Looking back at pictures now I wish I could have seen myself as I was, healthy from running around, and not fat at all.
Now that I'm 35 I think of myself as a little overweight, but when I look in the mirror, that little turns into a lot. I'm still 5'7", but now instead of weighing 125, I weight 190. I weighed myself today and actually was happy that it was at 190 and not still hovering at 193. For the past year and a half I've been horizontal 90 % of the time. And not in a good way. I herniated a disc last February and have been trying to climb off the couch ever since. It was a bad enough herniation that I couldn't walk, couldn't pee, and couldn't sit. After 5 days in the hospital for pain management I was released. I went the conservative route and tried physical therapy along with steroid epidurals for pain management but after 5 months the pain was still so severe that I was referred to a back surgeon, Dr. James Farmer at the Hospital for Special Surgery in Manhattan. Hands down the best hospital I've ever been to. And my Doc rocked. I have a celtic knot on my lower back and they had to cut into it. When they were done, they put it back together perfectly. I had a laminectomy, which is when the remove part of a vertebra to get at the offending disc and then a micro-discectomy of L-4 , L-5. After more rehab, at then end of the year, I was physically able to enjoy my Wedding to the greatest guy in the world. Not a bad ending to a crap-ass year. We went to Hawaii for our honeymoon. About 15 days away from my one year anniversary of the original herniation, I re-herniated...on my honeymoon. Now here I am six months later after epidural's and PT, I've decided not to have surgery again. First, the herniation is much smaller a tenth of the size of the original wopper, and second, I don't want to have surgery unless absolutely necessary.
I started acupuncture about a month ago and those little needles have been really helping keep the pain at bay. So much so that I'm getting up off the couch and starting to work on getting stronger and losing weight. My goal, to lose 50 lbs. This blog will be my diary of how I do. Day by day.